Columnists

Hedda Dishes :: Slam Me Daddy! (And other summer travel tips)

by Hedda Lettuce
Tuesday Jun 19, 2012
  • PRINT
  • COMMENTS (0)
  • LARGE
  • MEDIUM
  • SMALL

Planning on some trips this summer? Here are some helpful tips on having a blast and save some gas.

Slow Down Bitch!

Listen bitches, I know you are movers and shakers. So obsessed with your own importance that you need to get where you are going at light speeds. But did you ever think that moving so fast could waste gas? Yes, it is true. Just by slowing down 5 mph you can save 5-10% of your fuel economy.

Next time you are racing to meet a trick, take it slow. Nobody likes to rush in the bedroom or on the highway. Plan ahead before you race to give some head.

Fill Me Up, Baby!

A fully inflated tire is a happy tire. Just like a fully satisfied man is a happy man. One test showed that an under-inflated tire lost 1.3 miles per gallon in fuel economy. Another test showed that an under-satisfied man is more likely to stray. Satisfied man + full tire = happy life!


Sometimes Giving Shade Is Good

There is an age-old drag tradition called -giving shade (or reading). That is when one queen points out the weakness of the other queen and then slaps them in the face with it (hopefully in a witty way).

I found that reading under a shade tree, protected from the hot sun, I could read for longer periods of time. It is the same with cars. By parking in the shade, you reduce the emissions that evaporate, so you can save gas and not fill up the tank as often. Find a shady spot or under a shady queen and save energy.

Make Sure It Is On Right

When you are having sex you make sure that the condom is on tight, right? The same applies to your cap on your gas tank. If it isn’t screwed on properly gas can drip out, wasting precious fuel.

Are You’re Tits Are On Straight?

Before I leave the house I make sure my tits are on straight. Before you leave your house make sure your tires are properly aligned. Improperly aligned tires can drag down your fuel economy by putting unneeded work on your engine. And lopsided tits just look unattractive on a girl.


Get Off My Corner, Bitch!

When a street ho stands around gabbing, she is more likely to get busted by the cops. But if she keeps moving her chances are reduced. It is a basic law: a ho in motion stays in motion; that goes for your car as well. Idling can waste precious gas. If you are client and you are waiting for a ho to get in your car, turn the engine off in the meantime. A good rule of thumb is to turn off the engine when you’re not going to be driving for more than 30 seconds.

Slam Me Daddy!

Everyone like to get slammed, right? When my man takes me, pounding me like a pile driver, I just scream with ecstasy. Sadly, the same does not apply for cars (unless you are in the back seat). Slamming on the brakes uses up far more fuel economy than smooth driving. Resist the urge to slam on the brakes - unless you have to, of course!

Empty Out Your Purse

When my purse is too full I can’t move as nimbly as I like. But if I remove the dildo, the can of hairspray and my Bible out of it, I move like a panther. Empty out your trunks bitches, and you will save gas. If you are Italian, take the body out of the trunk, chop it into little bits, and dump each part separately. Every 100 pounds removed roughly equals 1-2% fuel efficiency. The lighter the load, the better the fuel economy!

Ditch The Bitch!

If you live in the suburbs it is impossible to ditch the car. It is like telling a drag queen to ditch her heels. That being said, the more you replace your driving time with walking, biking, or taking public transportation you will you save gas and reduce the fat in your ass.

By following these helpful tips you can use the money you save on fuel for some other purchases. A studly Australian masseur with devilish glint in his eyes and biceps that could crack a safe is worth every saved penny.


Hedda Lettuce is NYC premier Drag Comic. Hedda has appeared with the likes of Sarah Jessica Parker, Tyra Banks, Vanessa Williams and Madonna on such television shows as Project Runway, Sex and the City, The Tyra Banks Show, the MTV Movie Awards and Ugly Betty. Hedda is one of the stars of The Sundance Channel’s new reality show-Garo Unleased and was on LOGO’s DRAGTASTIC! Hedda’s film appearances include: The Look (Carol Alt), Too Wong Foo, GO GO CRAZY from the producers of The Big Gay Musical, Violet Tendencies and Musical Chairs. She has been in numerous Off-Broadway shows and her annual holiday show-Lettuce Rejoice-has been a sold out event for the past ten years. Miss Lettuce has also had the pleasure of working with many high-profile charity events. For the past ten years, Hedda has been hosting a classic movie night, at the Clearview Chelsea Cinemas. This past June, Miss Lettuce celebrated her 11th anniversary hosting classic films at the legendary Ziegfeld Theater.

Comments

Add New Comment

Comments on Facebook